Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before.

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Children are noisy. You will get used to it. Your life will become an endless cacophony of questions and weeping. Not all of the weeping will be yours.

You will learn to tell the difference between every cry. You will know when to come running to their aid and when to hide in the broom closet until they sort it out amongst themselves. You will learn the difference between every laugh. You will know when their amusement is at the expense of each other or at the expense of your pets dignity. You will be able to tell what chair has been dragged where and for what dastardly means even if you are at the washing line and they are inside. Such is the super-human hearing that comes with parenthood.

So when you hear a noise you do not recognise, it is seldom that you will be pleased with what you discover upon its investigation. Especially if it is coupled with maniacal laughter.

A box of records being thrown down the front steps! What a surprise! Oh, children, what ever will you think of next?

Nevermind. I don’t want to know.

Day-Before-Payday Desserts: I Can’t Believe That’s Vegan! Ice Cream.

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Buy a bunch of bananas. On returning home, throw them in your freezer with their great many over-ripe brothers, hoping to one day be turned into cake.

Weeks later, yearn for a sweet thing after a tedious day at the coal-face. Stare longingly into your pantry, willing a treat to materialise.

Remember your multitude of frozen bananas. Do a happy little dance.

Into your blender place sliced frozen bananas. You will have to cut off their skins and your hands will freeze into claws, but it will be so deliciously worth it. 2 bananas is equal to one serving. Do maths. Be greedy. Let’s say this recipe for for 2 servings, for continuity. So, what’s that? 4 bananas. Maths, ho!

To the blender add 1/2 a cup of water OR the mock milk of your choosing, if you are fancy like that. Turn blender onto lowest setting. Add 4 heaped tablespoons of cocoa and 2 tablespoons of brown sugar. A pinch of cinnamon? A little chilli? Get loose, you know? Make it once before you go buck wild though. We’re very poor this year and there can be no wastage.

Taste test. Be blown away be how delicious that shit is. Add more of anything that may be missing. The trick is to blend it for just long enough to make the bananas a creamy consistancy, but no so long as to melt them into a soup. Of course, you can just refreeze once you have combined all the ingredients, but let’s be honest, you’re not going to. So time is of the essence, my friend! Your stories are about to start and you have been waiting all day to sit in silence and watch various costume dramas. Enjoy.

A Children’s Story from Christchurch.

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One sweet Spring morning, the sun woke us up with the promise of adventure.

We filled our bellies with toast and jam, turning our noses up at slices of apple; prefering to feed them to the dog, who ate them greedily.

We fought our way out of our pyjamas, the ruthless adversaries of every morning, and dressed for the new day.

We hunted our shoes; they would always split up when they knew we were coming for them. It could take us a good long while to capture and reunite them. But we do; because Mother says it is too far to walk in gumboots, and no, she won’t carry us.

We walked to the park, excited about what we would do there. First, the swings! We thought. Then, the birds! We agreed. Last, the slide! We could not wait. We had been so good and walked so far and had hardly rowed at all!

But then!

‘Where is the playground?’, asked Theo.

‘WHERE MAE-MAES SLIDE?’, cried Mabel.

‘Fuck’, whispered Mother.

‘They are fixing the playground!’, She told us.

‘Aren’t we lucky!’, She reasoned.

‘Bloody wobbles!’, She concluded.

And we agreed.