Begin this project at the time of day where the children are at their most furious. The mid-afternoon lull is perfect. Especially on a hot day full of infighting and carbohydrates.

Collect something no one else likes. I have made inroads into 70’s Prison craft.

Feel overwhelmed by how messy your house is. Decide that the only thing for it is to spray paint the shit out of something. Locate, amongst your hoarding, your desired object for transformation and your chosen colour of spray paint. Realise you only have gold, because you’re gaudy like that. Read instructions on spray paint. I do not do this, but it seems advisable. Lay newspaper on your outdoor table and go wild. Be as thorough as you can be bothered being. Leave in direct sunlight.

Make a cup of tea. Shoo the children away from your project. In the time it takes for you to pace the length of the house surveying the damage and checking Facebook, the spray paint should be dry. Collect detritus from about your home. Have a theme in mind. I thought white objects might tone down the woah of the gold.

I was wrong.